The Musings of

Something full of magic, religion, bullsh*t.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

After all, we should remember that a murderer is only an extroverted suicide.

The Missus and I were returning from a pleasant night's debauchery this past Saturday (OK, technically it was Sunday), when we were viciously attacked by our man-eating armadillo.

And by "viciously attacked" I mean, he rounded the same corner where I first saw him, saw us, and beat a hasty retreat.

And by "hasty retreat," I mean it took him about 15 seconds just to get turned around the tight area between the shrubs and the outer wall of the house.

Evidently -- and this was not in any wildlife guide -- armadillos cannot maneuver in reverse. Seriously, he did, like, a 9-point turn trying to get pointed the other way. Hell, we never would have even known he was there had he not run into the drain spout several times. My wife asked if we were in any danger, and I'm sitting here thinking, yeah, Ol' Killer there might just gnaw on our ankles if he can find his way out from underneath that boxwood. Now I know why they have armor, because if they didn't they would likely kill themselves just walking around.

Anyway, as the armadillo finally got oriented and headed out into the darkness, I realized that the little bastard is perfectly harmless. Sure, he digs holes in the yard, but it's not like he's committing securities fraud, participating in random geriatric assaults, or appearing on a reality show. Therefore, I have decided not to risk leprosy, and will co-exist peacefully with our little friend.

That said, I have taken it upon myself to provide the yard ape with an appropriate name, and therefore christen him "Spiny Norman." And there was much rejoicing.

Addendum: I'm not so sure about our educational system. I had lunch last week with some law students in an interview session when talk inevitably turned to armadillos. One of the applicants looked at me and said, "Are armadillos mammals?"

No, they're fish, and all of that armor is hiding their breathing apparatus. Here's your sign . .
Centinel 1:21 PM #


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