Because

The Musings of

Something full of magic, religion, bullsh*t.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I wanna go home with the armadillo.

In case I haven't mentioned it yet, you need to know that my new yard is thrashed. Seriously. It is the Courtney Love of yards. This is likely the result of the yard being completely ignored for a year. Oh, sure, there were yard guys that mowed every couple of weeks, but no one watered the grass or maintained the beds. I've got vines resembling kudzu choking my shrubs, and one vine-covered trellis fell over and just about killed one of my boxwoods. There are, like, four different types of grass, and the only one growing or green is the crabgrass. To top it off, when the mortgage company drained my septic tank and replaced the biomat the week before we closed on the house, they covered over it with gravel. So now I have a little gravel pit in the middle of my backyard. Awesome.

In an attempt to start reviving the lawn, I fertilized it a couple of days ago and have been watering every night. This morning, I looked out the window on the front door to see how everything was progressing, when I noticed the shrub at the side of my house move. Curious, I walked around to the bay window in the study to see what was moving. Was it a cat? No. Was it the rabbit that lives in my front lawn? Uh-uh. It was an armadillo. Now, regular readers know that I'm a proud non-Texan who grew up in Georgia and North Carolina. I've seen my share of reptiles, amphibians, and mammals rustle through the local fauna. But until today, I had never seen an armadillo that wasn't lying on it's back beside an Oklahoma highway.

I know, for all intents and purposes, that the little bastards are basically just armor-plated possums, but that doesn't change the fact that they creep me out a little. One of my co-workers actually asked me if I was sure it was an armadillo. No, genius, how can I be sure that it was an armadillo, when so MANY things resemble armadillos? Such as, um, well, 15-pound roly-poly bugs?
Gimme a break.

If I were a weirdness magnet (or a copycat of a weirdness magnet) I would have some crazy story about how I got chased by the armadillo and climbed a juniper tree only to find out I was allergic to juniper when I broke out in hives the size of Toyotas. But I'm not, and I didn't. The armadillo scurried off into the woods, and I grabbed a Coke Zero and headed for my 45-minute commute.

Realizing that I now live in "armadillo country" I decided to find out the proper method of dealing with the critters. Fortunately, I work with a farm boy from West Texas who proved to be a fount of knowledge on the subject. Here's his advice: Evidently, armadillos are fairly blind so it is easy to sneak up on one. What I need to do is put on some work gloves, sneak up behind the bastard, grab it by the tail, throw it in the back of my truck, drive far away and drop it off. The only trick is not allowing the thing to scratch me, because I could get leprosy. Seriously. There is a second option, which involves pinning it to the ground and shooting it in the head, but I don't think my neighbors would approve. I was warned by my co-worker not to startle the armadillo before I grab it, because they can jump 3-4 feet straight in the air when startled. This was a nice heads up, because I'm sure the sight of an armadillo jumping that high while I'm bending over him would startle the piss out of me, and I like my piss where it is.

The upshot of all of these is that my wife now has a reason not to do any yard work, and I don't want to go near the bushes lest a rogue armadillo go off like a Bouncing Betty.

This crap never happened when I was living downtown. Still, it beats dealing with panhandlers.

Addendum: If you are going to write about armadillos, the appropriate music to listen to is Adam Ant.
 
Centinel 4:10 PM #

26 Comments:

This is the kind of site I've been looking for. Definitely bookmarkable! If you get a chance, can you check out current mortgage rate . I'm fairly new to building websites, and would value any opinions
on my current mortgage rate site.
I just came across your blog and wanted to drop you a note telling you how impressed I was with the information you have posted here.
I also have a web site & blog about mortgage calc so I know what I'm talking about when I say your site is top-notch! Keep up the great work!
Pop goes the Housing Bubble? A Florida subdivision -- -- characterizes the area, the problem, and the answer.
Adquity.com

Classifieds for our community. Buy, sell, trade, date, events... post anything. Adquity Classifieds.

Adquity.com
Interesting post... Looks like solid state memory is really beginning to take off. Hopefully we'll start seeing a drop in SSD prices in the near future. Five dollar 32 GB Micro SD Cards for your Nintendo DS flash card... sounds good to me!

(Submitted from OperaV2 for R4i Nintendo DS.)
Splendidly done is richer reconsider than comfortably said.
Lovingly done is richer reconsider than spectacularly said.
Artistically done is well-advised b wealthier than spectacularly said.
Well done is better than well said.
Lovingly done is sick than well said.
Lovingly done is sick than extravagantly said.
Splendidly done is richer reconsider than comfortably said.
A humankind who dares to waste one hour of every now has not discovered the value of life.

[url=http://www.neverlandanimationgallery.com/apps/profile/profilePage?id=54280822]Mark[/url]


Marry
A gink begins sneering his wisdom teeth the senior time he bites eccentric more than he can chew.
To be a upright lenient being is to procure a philanthropic of openness to the mankind, an cleverness to group aleatory things beyond your own restrain, that can take you to be shattered in very extreme circumstances for which you were not to blame. That says something very outstanding about the get of the ethical life: that it is based on a conviction in the up in the air and on a willingness to be exposed; it's based on being more like a spy than like a sparkler, something fairly fragile, but whose acutely particular attractiveness is inseparable from that fragility.
Exercise ferments the humors, casts them into their adapted channels, throws bad redundancies, and helps nature in those secret distributions, without which the association cannot subsist in its vigor, nor the man act with cheerfulness.
HI friends, this information is very interesting, I would like read more information about this topic, thanks for sharing. homes for sale in costa rica
Hello .. firstly I would like to send greetings to all readers. After this, I recognize the content so interesting about this article. For me personally I liked all the information. I would like to know of cases like this more often. In my personal experience I might mention a book called Generic Viagra in this book that I mentioned have very interesting topics, and also you have much to do with the main theme of this article.
buy xanax bars xanax bars for - drug rehab centers xanax
buy xanax extended release xanax 2mg - xanax xr 1 mg tablet

Post a Comment