The Musings of

Something full of magic, religion, bullsh*t.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Friday Spies ©

1. What is the earliest movie you remember watching in the

I don't watch movies in the morning. Maybe, like, 2:30 p.m.?

Oh, oh!!! I remember! The earliest movie I ever remember watching was at 3 a.m. I was out drinking in law school, when a friend of mine came in the bar. She was dragging some guy who was drunker than a monkey. Turns out that the guy worked at the local movie theater that was currently playing the first Harry Potter movie. Since we both wanted to see it, we convinced the nearly unconscious theater worker to let us in and start the movie . . . but not until after last call, of course. We ended up picking up 2 first year guys, 3 drunk undergrad chicks, and a bottle of rum on the way. One of the girls got sick before the movie started, and her friends took her home with the guys following the trail like bloodhounds. My friend and I sat in the theater alone, drinking rum and Cokes and watching the movie. I remember when I left the theater the sun was rising on a peaceful Thursday morning. Damn, I sometimes miss law school.

That is what you were asking, right?

2. If you could strike one word from the English language, which
word would you choose and why?

"Flatulence" should be dispatched forthwith, so that forevermore the soothing southern sounds will be referred to by one and all as "farts."

3. If you were a superhero, what would be your kryptonite?

Housework. Every time I'm asked to do housework, I suddenly get tired.

4. Would you rather win an Emmy, Grammy, Tony, Golden Globe, Oscar,
Pulitzer, or Noble Prize? What work would you win it for?

Alright, I'll cede to you that those up for an Emmy, Grammy, Golden Globe, or Oscar have much greater access to high quality, um, companionship from members of the opposite sex, but that would only be a selling point if my wife hasn't forbade me from, um, companioning with other women. I'll also grant that Tony nominees have much greater access to high quality, um, companionship from members of the same sex, but [author ponders tasteful way to finish this sentence, fails, and moves on hoping no one notices].

That leaves the Pulitzer and the Noble (sic). Now we have an interesting competition. I could never see myself winning a Noble (sic) for any scientific endeavor or economics, because then I would be condemned to a lifetime of nerdom, wedgies, swirlies, and doing dumber people's homework. The Noble (sic) Peace Prize sounds cool, but when you see that people like Yassir Arafat and Kofi Annan, it's clear that any idiot can get one. As for the Pulitzer, I wouldn't want to win one for journalism, because, although I am a lawyer, there are some things even I don't want to be associated with.

That pretty much leaves us the Pulitzer and Noble (sic) prizes for literature. Both are pretty prestigious and would, I'm sure, look good on the average mantle, but as I am a man of principle, the choice is easier. We live in a time where we need to be thinking globally. If we expect to grow morally and intellectually as a people, we need to embrace the oneness of man. Therefore, the international recognition of the Noble (sic) Prize for Literature is preferable to the American-centric Pulitzer Prize.

Really, the fact that the Noble pays $1,327,790 while the Pulitzer is worth a meager $10,000 has absolutely nothing to do with my decision.

5. What is your catch phrase? Don't have one? Then make one

OK, I considered "Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No whammies, STOP!," "Champagne Wishes And Caviar Dreams," and "Up your nose with a rubber hose," but I settled on "F*ck me running!" No, I don't know what it means, but it always makes me smile.
Centinel 2:49 PM #


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