The Musings of

Something full of magic, religion, bullsh*t.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Friday Spies ©: Show Your Work Edition

From the BTQ Newsdesk (Now with 36% more Milbarge):

1. What is the best thing about the city in which you live? What is
the worst?

I suppose answering "me" to the first part would be too obvious, so I'm going to go with "Dallas is a big, somewhat-Southern city with friendly people that's easy to get around in and doesn't have any state income tax." Actually, I think that's, like, 3 or 4 best things in one sentence, but what do lawyers know about math.

The second part is easy: Texans. This place is lousy with them. What's weird, however, is how many of them are proud of being morons Texans. They remind you all the time, saying things like "Oh, you wouldn't know about Mexican food, you're not from Texas" and "That's right, you're not from Texas, so you can read." I'm all for people expressing their individuality, but where I come from we don't celebrate mental illness.

I also hate the fact that this place is flatter than Kate Moss. Seriously, a topographic map of Dallas is just a blank sheet of paper. You could take a leak anywhere in this town and it won't run anywhere. It will evaporate in the heat within 3 minutes, but it will stay right where it is.

Of course, no matter how bad it gets, at least I don't live in Houston.

2. Describe an idea or invention of yours that you would like to see
turned into reality.

Personally, I'd like to have a TiVo for personal conversations so I could skip past the redundant crap, but even with my woefully limited scientific knowledge I know that we are at least 5 years away from having the technology to pull this off. As it is, to accomplish the TiVo effect you have to use a pistol and the rolling "move it along" hand motion, but I've found that when you point a gun at someone they begin forgetting the important information.

If you're looking for a good, practical, and feasible invention then sod off. First, even if I had a good idea like, say, putting CDs in vending machines, I would be out digging up venture capital. I'd would be camped out of Mark Cuban's lawn. I would be doing everything I could to make it my "jump to conclusions" mat. What I wouldn't be doing is telling you about it, you talentless hacks. Second, I couldn't come up with a good idea if you tied one around my neck and gave me a map, a flashlight, and a trained bassett hound.

3. Name an overrated author, musician, and movie. Name an underrated
author, musician, and movie

Overrated author: Anne Rice. I've only read one of her "novels," but if you'd edited all of the unnecessary words out of the damn thing it wouldn't have even made a novella. Really, can someone take away her adjectives before she begins formulating more homoerotic schlock? Damn goth porn.

Overrated musician: I would say pretty much every group/person on the Billboard Top 40, but a lot of those are singers, not musicians. If someone like Britney Spears, who doesn't write her own music or play an instrument, is a "musician," then I'm a Dixieland band. If we are talking honest-to-God, I-can-play-this-thing musicians, then I'm going with Pearl Jam. I remember when "10" came out and for months you couldn't take a leak without the strains of Evenflow coming out of the toilet. Hell, it took me several weeks to figure out Evenflow and I'm Alive were two separate songs. Then Jeremy came out, and I wanted to shoot the whiney bastard. God, how did these douchebags ever outlive grundge?

Overrated movie: The Austin Powers movies. I didn't see the first one until it had been out for a couple of years and it was a real letdown. I'm not saying the movie was a suckfest, but the character just got so damn annoying. After about 5 minutes the goofy English twit gag was played, yet I had to endure another hour-and-a-half of "YEAH, BABY" and bad teeth jokes. Honorable Mention: Most of the Oscar winners over the past decade.

Underated author: Thomas Wolfe. The man was one screwed up puppy, but he could write like a sumbitch. He was as good as anyone writing in the early part of the 1900s, but has become overshadowed by hacks such as Hemingway, Faulkner, and Fitzgerald. Ironically, he is a wordy as Rice, which therefore proves two things: (1) that good writing can be verbose and (2) that I a big, fat hypocrite.

Underrated music: So, so much of it. Off the top of my head, Bob Schneider should be huge (as well as his "late" band, the Ugly Americans). The Frames are probably the best band in Ireland. Rilo Kiley should be getting regular radio airplay.

Underrated movies: Hundreds. Thursday is a really good movie that didn't get the release it deserved. I can't figure out why Vanishing Point isn't on TV at least once every weekend. Others: Mallrats, Miller's Crossing, Big Lebowski, Fletch, Unbreakable, Buckaroo Banzai, All the Pretty Horses, Dark City, etc.

4. If your life were a sitcom slated to air in the fall, what would
the show be called? Who would you cast in the starring role? And for
extra credit, give us a brief treatment of the show.

What's in a name? Well, since G-String Divas is already taken, I'm going to go with Beach Justice. Just kidding. I'm going with my old standby And the Horse You Rode In On. And to play the role of me, we would need some one tough, yet sensitive, handsome yet manly; smart yet willing to get drunk and taunt large rednecks. I'm thinking a young Clark Gable. Unfortunately, I looked into it and Gable is no longer acting. So my for my second choice I'm going for Christian Slater. Let's face it, they guy really needs the work and, as they say, charity begins at home. What would it be about? It's sort of Cheers meets L.A. Law meets Dallas meets James Bond, you know? But with nudity.

5. When is the fun supposed to start?

Fun? What could be more fun than this? I mean, if you are a gay male receiver. If you're not, I suppose it's just forcible sodomy.

UPDATE: Can I pick 'em or what?
Centinel 3:14 PM #


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